


what did i miss?

by Jamilton_and_Lams



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: #doneWithYourShit, (cause like the Washingtons had a tomcat called Hamilton...), Alcohol, Alex is an angry boi, Angst, Anxiety, Arguments, Coma, Eventual Happy Ending, Family Issues, Happy times, Heartbreak, Homophobic Language, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, I relate to Peter so much, I would die for this kid, Jane is a queen, Lot of alcohol, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Memory Loss, Mentions of homophobia, Ned is doing his best, Pip is a cutie, Proposals gone wrong, Trust Issues, Undergoing editing as halfway through the chapter i'm on i realised i had fucked up, angry boys, boys get angry and say things they dont really mean in order to hurt eachother, boys hurt eachother, cursing, depends on my mood when i write it, eliza is a bitch, every chapter is going to be edited in some way, everything goes to shit once a certain someone wants to propose to their SO, ill delete these tags when its edited completley, john sticks the proverbeial finger to henry laurens, like a shit ton, mentions of cheating, notice plural, omg this child makes my heart glow, there's a cat called George, this could go either way folks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2019-09-28 18:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17188490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamilton_and_Lams/pseuds/Jamilton_and_Lams
Summary: in which Thomas has been in a coma for a month and Alex is loosing hope.





	1. the fight

**Author's Note:**

> There will prob be 2 or 3 parts unless it gets out of hand
> 
> update: It got out of hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited

Alex was losing hope. It had been a month since the fight. A month since Alex had screamed at Thomas to _get out_! To leave and _never_ _return._

He had said a lot things that night. They both had. Alex had regretted everything he said the next morning. He had hoped that Thomas did as well. He hoped that Thomas knew it had just been anger and stress and that everything had built up until…. Boom.

Like a hurricane, he had destroyed everything in his path. Including Thomas. He had warned him about it all when they started. He had told him everything. 

From how a drunken one night stand had destroyed his first relationship with the girl he had planned to propose to. The son he wasn’t allowed to see.

From how his first relationship with a man had gone up in flames when his boyfriend’s father had found out about them.

From the line of one night stands. The nights spent at a bar and waking up in a stranger's bed.

Thomas had laughed afterwards and kissed him on head. “Alexander, that was in the past, I really like you and i’m pretty sure we can make this work.” 

Jane walked into the hospital room and sat beside Alex. “No change?” “No change.” 

He looked so peaceful lying on the bed. It reminded Alex of the mornings where he would wake up first, to head into the office, and turn and see Thomas still there fast asleep. The only difference now was that there was a chance he wouldn’t wake up. 

Jane handed him a coffee and Alex barely took a sip before putting it down on a countertop beside him. 

“Alex when was the last time you took a break? The nurses said you haven’t moved in nearly three days. Your going to end up in  a bed next to him if you don’t start taking care of yourself!”

“Jane, now isn’t - “

“Tommy wouldn’t want you to-” 

That’s when Alex lost it. Three days of no sleep and the odd sip of caffeine, ever since the monitor had gone haywire and he had thought he lost his Thomas forever.

“DON’T! You don’t know what he would or wouldn’t want! You can’t speak for him! No one can!”

He wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come. It was all his fault. Why, for once in his life, couldn’t he have learned to keep his mouth shut?

*******************************************************************************************************

He had been ecstatic. So unbelievably happy. And he couldn’t wait to tell Thomas. He had barged into the apartment full speed nearly falling over their cat. (Who had been asleep - because it was after midnight.)

“THOMAS!!!” He had yelled. 

“Oh, Well look who it is. Welcome home Alexander.” Thomas’s voice came from the living area.

“Thomas! I talked to Burr and he said what had happened was technically illegal. I’m… we could….” he wasn’t able to get the words out fast enough, tripping over them (and himself) nearly hysterical as he moved towards the couch.

“Slow down Alex, what is it?” 

“Philip. I can… I could end up… they kept me from my son, Elizabeth never told her family I was the father, so when I saw Peggy and Angelica you can imagine I ignored them because I thought they knew… then Angelica hit me and made me apologise to her then there was a lot of yelling that ended up with Angelica hitting me again and telling me I was stupid for thinking they’d do that to me. Then she called Elizabeth who denied he was even mine, even though I had been told he was mine. There was a lot of confusion but Peggy took me to get a sample of my blood and now we’ll know in a few days if he is my kid. But anyway Burr, he’s my lawyer, he said if Philip is mine, then I could end up with full custody...” 

Alex took a deep breath as he saw the expression on Thomas’s face from where he sat opposite him, curled up in an armchair. “What? Why don’t you look as happy about this as I do?”

 

“Oh I’m sorry Alexander!” Thomas had practically spat at him. “I’m sorry for not being overjoyed over the fact that my boyfriend may now have a kid to raise, one he expects me to help with despite… despite knowing everything I have been through. And then there’s the fact he doesn’t  care enough to even call me during the day to explain why you left me sitting at a restaurant by myself for two hours - on our anniversary. I would have appreciated a text Alexander, one single text ‘sorry can’t make it’ would have been sufficient. Then, then you show up here obviously drunk-"

“I am not that drunk Thomas, I only had a few drinks to celebrate-” 

“And after seeing the photos online, with you draping over your  _ ex-boyfriend _ -”

“Thomas what are you insinuating?” Alex knew he shouldn’t be this harsh with Thomas. He knew he had fucked up. The dinner plans had slipped his mind. In his own joy he had forgotten Thomas’s tragedy. (The drunk driver that had ended his marriage, his wife’s life and the lives of his children. Thomas had been sick at the family home while they had gone out for a picnic.)

He knew that they had to stop this argument before it blew up but Alex could feel his anger growing. The pride he felt for his son was there and the hope he felt at the prospect of raising him was immeasurable. And if felt like Thomas was throwing it back in his face. 

“You know exactly what I mean Alexander. I’m here on our anniversary alone scrolling through social media, because you  _ forgot _ and the first thing I see is a faintly familiar man tagging you in a photo, arms around each other, grinning, the location: a bar and the caption…” Thomas had trailed off and Alex frowned. 

What had John posted? Passing him in the street, Alex hadn’t been able to contain his excitement and had spilled everything to him. John had dragged him along to the bar in equal excitement for his best friend, where he was heading to meet friends for drinks and Alex had been high off of his excitement telling and retelling the story. “Let’s have another round tonight!” One of John’s friends had yelled from a table.  They had raised a glass in Alex’s direction and toasted to his happiness. John had taken some group photos and some selfies. 

“...To finding your way to love. Love? Is that why you left me in a restaurant - so you could grab a drink with your ‘love’”

“No, Babe-”

“For all I know, he could be your ‘lover’ as well”

“Thomas no you have it  _ wrong  _ -” Alex could hear the desperation starting to seep into his voice. 

“Where’s your proof Alexander? How do I know-” it was then Alex had spotted the two empty bottles of wine beside Thomas. “How do I know you haven’t been cheating on me this whole time? Hmmm”

No. no. no. This couldn’t be happening.  He wouldn’t lose the person he loved again, not over a misunderstanding such as this. They were meant to be celebrating…

“Come on Love, I would never cheat on you. You know this. Please! We can talk about this tomo-”

“I mean it wouldn’t be the first time you cheated on someone you claimed to love.” Alex froze.

And all reasoning left his head.

“How  _ dare _ you Thomas Jefferson. How fucking dare you throw that in my face?” He could see Thomas starting to sober up. Saw the shock fill his eyes as he understood what he had said and he started to stand up. “Alex-”

 But for Alex it  was too late. 

The hurricane had arrived. 

And devastation would reign.

“I loved Eliza. I loved her so much, but guess what  _ Jefferson _ ? I made a mistake. I was going to propose, she cancelled our date. I was upset and my nerves were frayed. I went to ‘A Regular Pastime.’ I drank more than I should have. And then I ended up in bed with Maria Reynolds. Someone told Eliza and our relationship was over. My five month old pregnant girlfriend walks out on me, telling me I'll never see my child, to not bother ever contacting her or her family. I fucked up, but she ended it. If I hadn’t i’d probably be married to the woman I loved. I’d see my son everyday and maybe I'd have a daughter as well.” 

He took a deep breath before landing the killing blow. 

“You remember what that’s like, right?”

Thomas had physically taken a step away from him. He looked like he was going to pass out. But Alex was beyond caring. He had thrown his joy back in his face, he had thrown his past relationship, his past mistakes into the middle of an argument. That was what had hurt the most. Because it meant that no matter what he said…. Thomas didn’t trust him.

“Just get out. Thomas.” Alex picked up a bag, thrown it at Thomas and said: “Pack a bag. Leave. Don’t come back”

He then turned, entered the bathroom and locked the door. 

He ignored Thomas pleas and apologies. He turned on the bluetooth speaker in the bathroom and connected his phone, playing the music just loud enough so he couldn’t hear Thomas. When he left the bathroom an hour later Thomas, and the majority of his clothes were gone. His key was on the table. 

Alex sank to the floor and cried.

********************************************************************************************************

He had gotten the call two days later. “Your listed as this guy - Thomas Jefferson- you’re listed as his emergency contact. He jumped off of Brooklyn Bridge an hour ago.” Alex’s brain went quiet for the first time in as long as he could remember and hardly heard the rest of what was being said. “- saw him fall, my wife called the ambulance….” Nothing made sense. He must be dreaming. This was a nightmare and he was going to wake up any minute now next to Thomas in bed. Any minute now... “….one of the paramedics gave me this number… hello? Alexander?”

He had tried to kill himself. Alex had thrown up after the call ended. His love had tried to kill himself... all because of Alex and his non-stop mouth.

He had indirectly nearly been the cause of Tommy’s death. Alex had nearly laughed at the irony of a second unfollowed through proposal - all because he couldn’t stop himself. He just had to get the last word in. 

Then he had to call the Jeffersons. Explaining to Jane that her brother was comatose was one of the hardest things he’s ever done. The next day Thomas’s brothers Peter and Randolph along with Jane and her his sisters Mary and Lucy arrived. Alex had offered the group his apartment, preferring to avoid the apartment himself. He spent most nights at the hospital and sent in his work via email. His boss was understanding and had even offered to give him time off but Alex refused. He had to work. But he couldn’t leave Thomas’s side. When he woke up he wanted him to be the first face he saw.

And so Alex kept his vigil. The doctors had given up on trying to convince him to go home and so Alex stayed. Hands clasping Thomas’s, begging him to wake up. He knew the chances were bad. He knew by the time the 2 week limit passed the chances of recovery dropped to 2% 

He knew the doctors were humering them. Nobody wanted to be the one to tell Alex they should start considering other options.

Alex talked to Thomas all the time. Told him about Philip, about this incredible five years old with the curliest hair was his. How Elizabeth's dad had pulled strings to prevent her being prosecuted. How he thrived in school and how he was constantly telling his friends he wanted to be a poet. A writer.

Like his father.

He was still staying with his mother for the time being, Alex explained one day with tears rolling down his cheeks. “I-I don’t think i’d be able to raise a kid without you T. but as soon as you wake up i’m gonna marry you. You hear me Thomas Jefferson, you wake up and we can have our own little family. Me, You, Pip and however many other kids you want. We can get another cat as well. Whatever you want. Just  _ please wake up. _ ”

******************************************************************************************************

The days passed by. 

And one of the days a man opened his eyes to see a stranger staring back at him.

His throat was dry but he croaked out a few sentences. Trying to ignore the building pressure in his head. “Who are you? Where the hell am I? What’s going on?”

The man’s face drained of colour and he looked like he was going to pass out. He hit a button by the bed with a shaking finger and a doctor rushed in. “Yes Mr. Hamilton? What’s wrong?” The short man just pointed at him and the Doctor turned,looked at his and gasped. She ran for the door and yelled for more nurses and doctors. They came rushing in. They took one look at Thomas sitting up and the look of horror on the Alexanders face and pushed him from the room. 

**********************

He wandered the halls in a daze. It was all one big joke. No. He was the joke. A cosmic screw up. The world had it out for him.

Because Thomas didn’t know him anymore. He couldn’t remember him. The ring that had sat in his pocket for over a month suddenly felt like a weighted ball, meant to drown him.

  
The doctors had warned them, there’d be damage, but  _ this _ . This was too much. He got in his car and for the first time since meeting Thomas he went to the closest bar with the intention of drinking himself into oblivion. 


	2. The truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas is scared and Alex decides to drink his sorrows away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited

He was scared. Why couldn't he remember his own name? Why couldn’t he remember the man who had stood in front of him with such desperation and heartache etched onto his face, that it was obvious even to him he was in love with him? He wants to talk to him. He wants to remember. But he currently has no name to put the face, no name for himself either.

Then a girl runs in. she looks early 30’s. Her face is full of joy and he cringes. It's obvious she knows him and he wonders how. Is she a friend? 

“Tommy!” She cries and throws her arms around him. “Oh god we missed you so much! Peter has been going up the walls Mary and Lucy are just inconsolable and even Randolph has been worried. We’ve been staying in your apartment, Alex has stayed here most nights, where is he by the way? He has hardly left your side since…. Well we’ll talk about that later but-”

He had stopped listening. His name was Tommy? Tom? Thomas? Thomas he decided. That sounded vaguely familiar. And Alexander must be the guy who had been here when he woke up. A friend? Best friend? He had looked a mess. Ecstatic when he had woken, heartbroken when he realised he wasn’t remembered. 

But…. He had no idea who the rest of the people were… who this was.

He finally gave up and stared down this stranger. “I’m Sorry but who the fuck are you?”

She stopped talking. (‘Thank God’ he thought) “Thomas? What do you mean who am I?”

He knew he was missing something massive. His mind was a fog, filled with faceless, nameless blobs. He had memories. He knew he grew up on a farm. He knew he was from virginia. He knew he fell in love right out of high school and married-

“I’m married.” He muttered to himself efore glancing up at the woman in front of him. No this wasn’t her. “Where is my wife? I have children don’t I? I remember children. Girls. I was there when they were born. I stayed with her through it all. I stayed with-” He stopped and frantically searched his mind for something. For a little bit more… There.

“Martha! Where is Martha?” The spark of relief at remembering her name faded as other questions rose. “And who is Alex? And I won’t ask again, but who are you and you named a bunch of people that sound vaguely familiar but I don’t remember who they are!”

The girl hovered beside him looking like she was going to burst into tears. “I’m your older sister Thomas. I’m Jane.” she took out her phone and showed him the cover screen. It was a family photo. “Look there’s you and Randolph, - he’s the oldest out of the batch of us, then there’s the twins Lucy and Mary, Peter is the youngest.” she took a deep breath. “Do you want to see them?”

He shook his head. His family. He couldn’t even remember his siblings properly. He was filling in places in his mind, small memories coming back - days spent in the snow, picnics in the orchard…

Picnics… there was something about a picnic…

“Jane? What happened at the picnic?”

“What picnic Tommy?”

“There’s a memory… something to do with my family and a picnic… am I making sense? Did something important happen? I can’t seem to remember… ”

His sister took a step back from the bed and her hand came up to cover her mouth. “I can’t believe I have to tell you again.” The tears that had started to fall came faster and he tentatively reached out and patted her arm. “Tell me what?”

“I’m so sorry.” She dived right in. 

And then, the memory came back with such force and emotion, it knocked him out.

******************************************************************************************

Alex was already buzzed when they arrived. He had been sitting by the bar downing a shot of something when he had seen John enter with his European friends - France and Ireland he thinks. He is pretty sure the two Europeans are dating so he quickly calls out to John who turns around with a confused look on his face that turn to a mix of worry, grief and shock as he spots him. “Alex?” He turns and says something to the other two and they nod as they set off presumably in search of a table.

“Hey Jacky! How have you been?” 

“I’ve been okay, Alex what happened? Why are you here - what if Thomas wakes up?”

Alex laughs darkly and motions to the barman to pour him another shot. “He woke up already.”

A dark look crossed over Johns face and Alex thought he was going to deck him. ( _ you’d deserve it _ the snide voice in his ear whispered.  _ You nearly killed him and now he’s forgotten you.  _ ). “Then pray, tell me why you are here, looking like hell on wheels, while he is still in the hospital? I thought he had  _ died  _ when I saw you sitting here alone.”

“He might as well have.” Alex picked up his drink and stared into it letting out a dark laugh. “He doesn’t remember me.” And the tears he thought would never show lined his eyes until he wiped them away with the back of his sleeve and then drained his shot and motioned at the bar tender for another.

He turns to look at John. “Do you want to hangout? You can come back- wait shit the Jeffersons are staying at my place… can I stay at your tonight? Or maybe-” he surveyed the room.

John looked uncomfortable for a second. “Alexander, even if Thomas doesn’t remember you right now, you are still dating. I’m not allowing you to cheat on him-”

“Why not??” Alex snapped. “It's not like you care about him. You didn’t care when you posted that picture with that stupid caption which ultimately fueled our fight. If YOU hadn’t… I- He would remember me…. John I was going to propose….” Alex broke down in sobs. “But YOU, you posted it and he thought I was cheating on him with you and-”

John wrapped Alex up in a tight hug before leading him over to where his friends were sitting. “Hey Lexi, you were my first. You’ll always have a special place in my heart but the caption on the set of picture wasn’t about you.” John smiled awkwardly and as they reached the table John cleared his throat.

“Lexi, allow me to formally introduce you to my boyfriends; Gilbert and Hercules.”

Alex blinked owlishly at him as the words set in.  _ Boyfriends.  _ “Wait - what?!”

*********************************************************************************************************

John grimaced. This wasn’t how he had intended to introduce Alex to his new boyfriends. He knew Alex had been under a lot of stress and the fact that he had been so hopeless, so devoid of the spark that made him,  _ him, _ had broken Johns heart. He felt Gilbert’s hand came to rest on his knee, there to provide comfort, and Hercules just nudged at his shoes, with his feet from across the table offering him smiles. 

“You’re all dating? All three of you?” John grinned sheepishly at him.

“After we broke up-” 

“After your dad tried to have me arrested for raping you” Alex interrupted. John cringed. 

His father had refused to believe his eldest, his son who would inherit the multi-Million company his grandfather had built from the ground up- was “A FAG? I will not have a fucking fairy living under my roof goddam it boy! He had shoved Alex into room before calling the cops. It had taken a little under an hour to tell the cops the truth and for Alex to be released. But they had known their relationship wouldn’t survive this. That every time they had tried to kiss the accusations were floating around their heads. So they broke it off and stayed as friends. 

John had found comfort in his two flat mates. Hercules and Gilbert had been dating since college and were so sickeningly in love it was hard for him to be around them sometimes. He had started feeling jealous around them. He presumed it was the relationship. He wanted a relationship like that. The months passed. He soon realised it wasn’t the relationship he was jealous of but rather the people in it. He had started avoiding the couple. He swore they would never know how he felt about them both. He drank a bit more. Had a few one night stands. Stared at Gilberts ass for too long. Daydreamed about the way Herc’s hair fell over his eyes…

But avoid them he did. He wouldn’t be the one to break them apart. They were wonderful, they were in love, and as it turned out… they were also both crushing on John.

Gilbert had been the first to break. There was one night where John had given him this soft smile as he left to head to the club. There was such sadness in his eyes that he had broken down to Hercules. “I am sorry, mon amour, i don’t know what’s wrong with me. I love you so much… but I think I love him too” He had cried against Herc’s chest for a while before he heard Herc’s voice crack. “I really hope your talking about John because I think- I think i’m in the same boat Love”

The conversation led to weeks of planning. Of conversations stopping short when John entered a room. Of lingering glances and hugs that John thought lasted a bit longer than necessary and silently daydreamed about them meaning something more. 

He did notice the day, the beaming Frenchman had cornered him kissed him on the cheek before dragging him into his bedroom where Hercules was lying on their bed. What followed was the beginning of an awkward conversation that left all three bright red and John slowly itching towards the door. But when he heard Gilbert mutter under his breath in french about “how stupid could I have been. Of course he doesn’t…. Stupid…. Never satisfied…” when he realised that they had been deadly serious. 

Because Gil didn’t know he was fluent in French. 

He had stopped in his tracks, spun around, glanced between the both of them before deciding to fuck it all to hell.

“Jesus! Fine! I like you both too… A lot more than I should and I don’t know where that puts us-”

He had been cut off by Gil flying across the room with a grin on his face. He was tackled to the bed and suddenly…

He had Gilbert’s lips on his. He had Herc’s hands on his waist. He had a hand in Gilbert’s hair and...

They needed to lose their clothes. He pulled back from Gilbert, earning a small growl of disappointment, which turned to a sound joy as John’s shirt went flying across the room. Gilbert’s shirt and jeans shortly joined it and John felt his lips captured by Herc’s.

He smiles at the memory. The feeling of love and belonging.

But now… looking across the table to Alex… now was not the time to tell their story. Alex needed a distraction.

Gilbert and Herc were obviously on the same wavelength. “Oui! Oh mon ami, I have heard so much about you! And I - on behalf of John’s stupidity- apologize for his carelessness when posting online, and for any damage it ultimately caused in your relationship.”

And Herc buying round after round for the group. 

It was only at 11pm that John bolted up in shock. His head had been resting on Gilberts shoulder when a short angry woman had barged into the bar with the promise of death on her face. “ALEXANDER HAMILTON - WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?”

******************************************************************************************

Alex was drunk. Of that he was sure. He didn’t know what he’d been drinking but he knew it was strong. He had started to relax - he felt guilty about this, but before he could dwell on it another drink was being pushed into his hands. 

He liked John’s friends,  _ boyfriends _ . He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. John Laurens prodigal son turned rebel gay - dating  _ two  _ men. God he’d pay good money to be a fly on the wall when Henry Laurens found out.

He snickered. Checking his phone he spotted a few messages asking here he was. Frowning slightly he replied to them. He gnawed on his lip. He had a bad feeling about this; but it was too late, the messages were sent. 

It was only when Peggy Schuyler stalked into the bar yelling at him did he begin to sober up. And when she was followed by Angelica, Alex wished he was anywhere else. The worst was the look of disappointment on Angelica’s face. She didn’t even have to yell for him to want to curl up into a ball.

Peggy was still yelling at him. Sweet Margarita, usually the most soft spoken of the sisters… he knew everything she was saying was true.

He was a coward.

He was a mess.

He didn’t deserve Thomas.

He didn’t deserve to raise his son either.

Angelica cuts her off and sends her to the bar to get them both a drink.

“Alexander, you have really screwed up this time” she shook her head at him sadly and held up a hand to stop him interrupting. “I just off the phone with Jane, who had re-tell her brother that the few things that had come to him- recollections of his wife and children- things would only bring him pain, had to tell him what happened. He is sitting in the hospital with a few memories, unwilling to speak to his siblings that he doesn’t remember, wondering why the man he now knows is his long term boyfriend just ran out on him. He is scared. He is alone. He needs you.” 

Alex felt sick. The laughter that had filled the table of the past few hours had faded and Gilbert and Hercules were looking at him with a mix of anger and pity. 

“He needs you now more than he ever has… and you have left him alone. He is drowning Alexander. He is lost and confused and angry. He  _ wants  _ to remember, but he needs your help. Jane is trying- family photos and the like… but you know him better. You have lived with the man for years. Bring his favorite book. A picture of the pair of you… when he returns to your flat make him his favourite meal…” 

Angelica was crying. Peggy returned with two drinks and she took a long gulp of whatever frozen  [ pink monstrosity ](http://cappello.co.za/wp-content/gallery/drinks/10911-STRAWBERRY-DAIQUIRI.jpg) Peggy had ordered for her. 

As he reached for his own drink it was pulled out of his reach. He looked through tear filled eyes to see Gilbert looking at him. “Go mon ami. Go to your love.”

And through the tears that threatened to fall he choked out a farewell and stepped outside to see Lucy sitting in a car. He bowed his head and started the trek through the rain towards the car.


	3. In the eye of a hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex returns to the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited

This was a bad idea. He shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t have come.

He was standing outside the hospital room door a bouquet of  gladioli flowers in hand.

This was a mistake. An hour ago he had been in a bar and now he was here. With flowers. Visiting his boyfriend. Who had amnesia. At midnight. The nurse had watched him wander through go with a sigh knowing that despite visiting hours were over there was going to be no stopping him.

Alex was pacing. He had arrived at the room 20 minutes ago and stood facing the door before turning on his heel to walk away. It had been a bad idea to come. But by the time he reached the end of the corridor he had turned again to return to the room.

He couldn’t leave Thomas alone any longer.

But 20 minutes later he was still pacing the corridor and freaking out. His phone would buzz every 5 minutes or so, probably Peggy or John or Jane or…

 

He knew too many damn people.

 

He wanted Thomas. 

His Thomas, who’s smile would light up a room and who could debate with him for hours about any topic on his mind.

His Thomas who had stayed up with him through thunderstorms, coaxing him through his panic attacks.

His Thomas, who thought Mac and Cheese followed by Ice-cream was an acceptable meal.

His Thomas, who wanted to open a bakery, who made up recipes in his head and critiqued Alex as he would help write them down.

His Thomas… His Thomas… 

His Thomas who had amnesia and wouldn’t remember any of it. 

His Thomas who was now gone and a stranger was left in his place, a stranger who looked and smiled and talked like his Thomas but wasn’t.

Why was he here?

“Sir? If your not going to enter i’m going to have to ask you to leave.” The nurse.

Why was he still here? He could leave, no one would know… Visiting hours were over anyway...

“Sir?”

He walked towards the bedroom door. It was half open and he could see the curly head of hair on the pillows.

Asleep.

If he walked out the door now no one would know…

He spun on his heel and decided he’d deal with Peggy and her repercussions tomorrow.

“Alex?”

He froze. His back was to the door and he squeezed his eyes shut.

“Alexander Hamilton? That is you correct? My boyfriend?”

Not Thomas. 

“Please look at me. I know this must be hard for you, but please... I’m trying. Please.”

Not Thomas.

“I’m sorry. The Doctors told me what I did… I don’t know why I would even….  I can’t believe I put you through that….”

Thomas.

He spun around.

A tear leaked from his eye and trailed down his cheeks.

“Thomas” 

His voice came out somewhere halfway between a sob and a prayer. He was looking at Alex with an odd expression on his face, like he was searching for anything, anything to remember - anything to say. 

But Alex only had one thought running through his head at top speed.

He was alive. He was alive. He was alive.

His Thomas was alive.

***********************************************************************************************

Fuck. 

Why did he call him back? He didn’t know this guy. 

Well he  _ knew  _ him but now… 

Fuck. 

He had heard someone pacing up and down the hallway and it had been grating on his nerves. There was a nagging in the back of his brain that said he should be used to nervous pacing at all hours of the day or random times at night- but why? 

The answers he knew eluded him.

He asked the nurse that had just finished checking his charts to see if she could get the person to pace elsewhere and as he lay down to try and rest, through half-lidded eyes, he saw him.

He knew it was the same guy from before. His eyes… that brilliant shade of blue he had fallen in love with…

What? Had he remembered that or was he just connecting the obvious dots?

He sat up as the man turned to go.

Then the name came. Someone had mentioned it earlier? Maybe. But he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had loved this man and that he had loved him and that they had been happy. So happy. 

“Alex.”

The man froze. Okay that was a good sign-right?

“Alexander Hamilton? That is you correct? My boyfriend?”

He had to keep talking he had to get him to stay. He wanted to remember his life -  their life - and he knew he wouldn’t remember on his own. He needed this man who had stayed by his side the weeks he had been in a coma. This man who had kept vigil by his side and hadn’t left until he thought he was no longer needed or wanted. 

“Please look at me. I know this must be hard for you, but I'm trying. Please.”

He didn’t turn around.

But he didn’t leave either.

He must be so angry.  The doctors told him he tried to kill himself. Jane had told him he was with Alex, he could feel it in his bones that he did. He loved this stranger. 

He wanted to remember.

He knew it was all his fault. Why had he tried to kill himself? Jane told him that he used to take medication when he was younger, and again after… 

He tried to push it away. One of the few memories to come back and they revolved around a dead wife and a family lost.

And to think he would have - probably did - put Alex through some semblance of the same pain…

“I’m sorry. The Doctors told me what I did… I don’t know why I would even….  I can’t believe I put you through that….”

He could feel the tears building up in his eyes. Why wouldn’t he talk to him? 

“Thomas” 

His voice. Alex’s voice. It was beautiful.

He realised he hadn’t heard it before, but it reminded him of walks in the city, cuddles under the stars and stormy nights…

Flashes. 

Memories. 

Pain.

Fear.

Fights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gladiolus flowers: Symbolizing strength and moral integrity, gladioli also represent infatuation, with a bouquet conveying to a recipient that they pierce the giver's heart with passion


	4. I remember that night....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas gets flashbacks and goes into cardiac arrest simultaneously

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited

He regrets speaking almost immediately. Thomas’s eyes roll back in his head and he starts convulsing. Alex drops the flowers and rushes to boyfriends side and grabs his hand. He faintly recognizes that he’s yelling for someone - for  _ anyone  _  to help.

He can’t lose him. Not now. Not when he just got some part of him back.

*******************************************************************

It was a nice day, he presumed. The sun was out, it wasn’t freezing… 

At least he had his tea. He took a sip but it was still too hot so placing it on the ground he leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes. It was peaceful. A nice escape from the hustle and bustle of the city life. It reminded him of Monticello. 

He pushed it from his mind. 

It was then he heard the argument. Well rant was a better word, an argument meant two people were discussing or fighting but only one voice was being heard. He stayed where he was not even opening his eyes. It was obvious the speaker was an experienced debater. 

But he was narrow-minded. If he wanted to Thomas could pick apart the holes in his argument. Sure he agreed with him, but he did enjoy a good debate and this guy seemed a worthy opponent.

Unlike the Speakers rival. 

Thomas cracked open an eye and surveyed the speakers on the elevated platform near his spot. The second man looked on the verge of tears. Smiling to himself Thomas gets to his feet, brushes the dirt from his coat and opens his mouth…

*************************************************************************

A week later he’s knocked into on the street and his tea goes everywhere.

“I’m so sor- oh. It’s you.”

Grinning Thomas spun around. “Ah, aren’t you the one whose arguments I destroyed last week?” 

The man bristled and tried to make himself seem taller. “You didn’t destroy them… but I will admit you had a few good points…”

Thomas smiled and held out his hand. “Thomas Jefferson”

The smaller man seemed to size him up. He pursed his lips before deflating and extending his hand to grip Thomas’s. “Alexander Hamilton.”

*********************************************************************

They become fast friends. Thomas is surprised to find out they share mutual friends. 

“Jemmy? Seriously how did that come about?” Thomas asks in surprise. James is a quiet man and for him to know, let alone converse with Alexander seems a bit of a stretch. 

“Well I say friends in the loosest terms. We worked together at a publishing company. We must have written 80 different pamphlets between us. I’m pretty sure I pissed him off a lot…” he trailed off nibbling on his lower lip.

Thomas finds his eyes drawn to the younger man’s lips. He keeps biting them and honestly it’s really distracting. 

Blinking rapidly Thomas stands up. “More coffee Hamilton?”

****************************************************************************

Their first kiss comes as a surprise to them both. It wasn’t a proper kiss and afterwards Thomas had vowed to Alex that their next first kiss would blow him away

They were walking through the park when a flash of lightning sparks through the air. Alexander jumps and looks around spooked. He slows down and comes to a stop beneath a tree. Thomas doesn’t notice at first but he soon turns around when he realises Alex is no longer beside him.

“Hey! Alex - you alright?”

“Nope.” he laughs nervously and shifts awkwardly from foot to foot. “Just remembered I have to…  get back... to my apartment for-”

He’s cut off by another flash of lightning and when the boom of thunder hits a  _ squeak _ escapes his mouth and he retreats further under the tree. By this stage Thomas is 80% sure Alexander has some sort of phobia of storms. It’s at this moment Alex sinks to the ground and as another boom of thunder sounds Alex has his hands over his ears and Thomas can see his mouth moving rapidly, the words too low for him to clearly but he recognises the language as Spanish.

“Alex?” he approaches cautiously. 

Alex flinches away from him and a stab of hurt goes through his chest. He slows down, still moving forward. When he is a few steps away from Alex’s huddled form the sky opens and rain starts to fall. 

“Hamilton, my apartment is just up the road… we can get some shelter… watch a movie..?” 

Nothing. There was no sign that Alex had even heard him. It was like his soul had vanished from his body leaving only the husk. 

“Alexander” he reached forward and placed a hand on the smaller man’s shoulder only to find he was shaking. He could now hear the rapid breaths between muttered Spanish and realised that Alex was in the middle of a panic attack.

“Shit.” he looked around but the park was empty, people had started running for shelter the moment the first flash of lightning had appeared. 

“... Hurricane…drowning…”

“There’s no hurricane Alex… you’re safe, I promise…”

It was no use. Alex was lost in his head. Not listening to Thomas - too caught up in his memories, in his trauma. 

So praying that Alex wouldn’t hate him, he did the only thing that came to mind that might distract him.

He kissed him.

*************************************

Alex froze beneath him before opening his eyes. Thomas backed away and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. 

“I’m sorry. But you weren’t  _ here _ . My apartment is close if you want shelter quicker.”

Alex nodded and when Thomas helped him up Thomas was surprised that Alex curled into his body as they walked the last few streets.

When the storm passed and Thomas woke beside Alex after they fell asleep he awoke to Alex studying his face and wished he knew what was happening in that mind of his. “Alex?”

Alex nibbled at his lip as if deliberating between a decision and Thomas couldn’t help the way his eyes fell to his lips. 

Then Alex kissed him.

**********************************************************************************************

“No Thomas, we are not getting that atrocious couch for our apartment” 

Alex looked like he was going to burst and Thomas could barely hide the smile that crept across his face. 

In all fairness it wasn’t a  _ terrible  _ color. Personally he thought the magenta would contrast nicely against the black accent wall of their apartment.

He smiled to himself.

Their apartment.

“Alex, black contrasts really well with it though-”

“Uh no. You’re sleeping on that thing if you buy it.”

Alex grinned at him from across the room and stuck out his tongue in retaliation. He was so excited when Thomas had brought up the idea of them buying a place together. He was like an over enthusiastic bunny, hopping from store to store trying to find the perfect furniture for their new home. 

By now they were arguing for the sake of arguing. 

“Alex,  _ darling… _ ”

“Don’t you ‘darling’ me mister - we. are. Not. getting. a. purple. Couch.”

“Magenta-”

“I don’t care! It's not happening” Alex bounded towards the door. “We will continue our quest elsewhere.” 

Thomas grinned at the store clerk and the old woman waved him off with a smile. 

**************************************************************************

He unlocked the door quietly. He slipped inside and placed his bag down in the corner, out of the way and - 

A high-pitched screech was heard from the sitting room as soon as the door closed behind him. 

“Don’t yell at me!” Alex’s voice hollard through the apartment. This was followed by a cat’s screech from the kitchen.

“I know you’ve been fed already you _ lying whore _ .”

Thomas rolled his eyes and questioned why he had ever thought getting a cat for them was a good idea.  He closed the apartment door behind him and slipped off his shoes. He wandered down the hall and towards the kitchen island. 

Alex had his back to him, his hair half falling out of the pony tail and he was still grumbling at the cat.

“Hey Alex”

Alex squeaked and dropped the tin of cat food he was holding and raced towards him before jumping into his arms and burying his head in the crook of his neck.

“You’re back early! Oh God, I missed you so much”

Thomas laughed. “It was only 3 nights darling, and we talked everyday.”

“Yeah, but you told me last night you wouldn’t be back till Sunday night; it's Friday evening!” 

Thomas smiled and pressed a kiss to the back of his boyfriends head. “I wanted to surprise you. And it was a nice surprise to see how you treat our Cat when I’m away”

Alex pressed a kiss to Thomas’s shoulder in lieu of an answer.

Once Alex has both his feet back on the ground he’s dragging Thomas towards the bedroom.

“Alex…” he laughs, “were you not about to feed George?”

“The little bitch can wait. I’ve missed you so fucking much”

Alex kicks the door closed behind them and Thomas smiles as they fall back on the bed.

“I missed you so much T.”

“Don’t worry darling. I’ll never leave you alone for long. A few days every two or three months. And I'll always return to you” he leans down and kisses his boyfriends lips. “Never forget that."

***********************************************************************************

Beeping.

Frantic yelling.

Beeping. 

Sobs.

Beeping. 

Plea’s.

Beeping.  

Prayers.

Beeping.  

Darkness. 

***********************************************************************************

Alex can’t stop the tears flowing from his eyes. They had forcibly removed him from the room and hour ago and nobody was telling them anything. Jane had her arms wrapped around him as they sat in the waiting area. The rest of the siblings were scattered around the room apart from Lucy who had left to pick up something for them to eat. 

It was silent. 

Alex closes his eyes and for the first time in a long time… he prays.


	5. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex prays  
> Pip is adorable.  
> Thomas is drowning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited

Alex had come to the realisation that he hated hospitals at an early age.

When he was younger he had been in and out of them constantly with his mother. Cancer. All of their money was going for the treatments and they seemed to be working. 

For a while.

Then James Hamilton had walked out. 

Alex’s oldest brother James jr. dropped out of school to get a job so they could keep paying the bills.

The money wasn’t enough and soon enough the brothers were sitting by their mother as she drew her final breaths. 

The hospitals couldn’t save their cousin either. John overdosed and they couldn’t pump his stomach soon enough. 

And now, now they couldn’t do anything more for Thomas.

“It's up to him. He has slipped into another coma. And even if he wakes up…”

“- another heart attack...”

“You might want to start considering….” 

Alex was numb. Over the next few days people came and tried to convince him to take a break. To go home and get a good 12 hours of sleep. 

John. Lafayette. Hercules. Peggy. Angelica. 

On the 3rd day the visitors finally managed to convince him to, to the surprise of everyone. 

When they had showed up Jane had initially forbid them from going to talk to him. 

But Eliza Schuyler was a force to be reckoned with. And when Philip had peeked around his mother’s legs and asked when he could see his daddy, Jane had relented, but had accompanied her.

***********************************************************************************************

“Alexander”

He ignored her. Why was she here? He focused on rubbing soothing circles on Thomas’s hand with his thumb only pausing to push back a stray curl that had fallen over his eyes.

“Alexander please-”

The bitch honestly couldn’t see why he didn’t want to talk to her? Why would he - why  _ should  _ he give her a moment of his time when he could be spending it with Thomas… 

“Daddy!!!”

Alex’s head jerked up. 

“Pip?” Jesus his voice was hoarse. How long had it been since he’d spoken to someone? Usually he ignored anyone who tried to get him to move. 

“Daddy I wrote a new poem today! Ms. Washington thinks I have the makings of a great writer - those were her exact words and…”

Pip continues to babble on about his day at school and Alex’s gaze shifts to Eliza. She is still as beautiful as the day he first met her, albeit more tired. 

It's her own fault he reminds himself. She didn’t let him help raise their son, took off and left him high and dry. 

( _ Just like his father _ )

The last weeks had been equal parts pain and pleasure. Getting to know Philip was amazing. He was a smart kid. Genius. 

But with Thomas being in the hospital… he had tried to see Philip for a few hours at the weekend… but never here… 

“Pip!” he cut his son off mid word and scooped him up into a hug and spun him around, the weight momentarily disappearing, replaced with the joy of seeing his boy. 

Eliza sends him a small smile. She looks extremely uncomfortable and looks like she’d rather be anywhere else.

“Daddy who’s that?”

Alex felt the weight settle back down on his heart. 

“This is Thomas, Pip. He… he got very badly hurt and the doctors are trying to make him feel better.” 

“Is he asleep?”

“Yes, but don’t worry, you won’t wake him” Alex hears his voice catch and wipes away the evidence of tears in his eyes before Philip sees them. 

“Do you love him?” 

Alex is surprised by the question. He actively avoids glancing at Eliza - he can feel her stare burning into the back of his skull.  “Yes Pip, very much so”

“Then everything will work out. And it will be a happy ending like my books and movies.” Philip grinned. That big grin that only the innocent possess. Then he pauses. “Did you try to kiss him? True loves kiss can break any spell” 

Alex closes his eyes and forces the tears back before opening them again to look at his son.. “Theres no spell Pip. So it won’t work.”

“Ohh! Daddy? Can I write a poem for Mr. Thomas? I can give it to him when he wakes up!”

Alex pulls his son in for a hug and buries his face into the mop of curls covering his head. “Of course, Pip. I’m sure he’ll love it.”

He hears Jane whisper something to Eliza and they both leave. He is left with Philip, who wastes no time in climbing up on his knee. 

The hours pass, filled with his child’s enthusiasm and chatter. And questions. So many questions. It's serene. 

He only wishes it was happening under different circumstances.

He only wishes Tommy could meet have met him today, and hopes that one day soon, he will.

*******************************************************************************************

He was drowning. He was fighting a current that was dragging him further down.

He could remember most of what he forgot. At least he thinks he can. He frowns. He’s forgotten his own name again. 

But there was Alex. His Alex. His Alexander. 

And Jane, Mary, Lucy and Peter. And Randolph he supposed. 

He hadn’t spoken to Randolph in about 5 years.

He remembered Martha. He had loved her.  He remembered his daughters too. Mary and Marie.

He remembers the surge of jealousy, seeing Alexander - His Alexander - with John. he had been so angry.

He remembers going to stay with Lafayette only to sleep on the couch - it was only when morning had risen and he had been introduced to his  _ boyfriends _ that Thomas felt stupid. The fight had had no basis. 

But his pride had refused to budge. 

His self loathing had grown - how could he have said those things to his Alexander? Alexander who had a son. A child. 

He remembers the way his eyes had lit up as he talked about how  _ they  _ could get custody of him. They could raise him together.

He bought a bottle of tequila and took a sip.

And then the fear.

He would ruin the child. 

He would not be the cause of another child's death. The rational part of his brain screamed that the death of his family hadn’t been his fault but the thoughts grew and grew until he had left the apartment . 

A walk would clear his head. 

He remembers leaning over the bridge. Looking around as the cars sped by and no one stopped.

He sat with his legs dangling and went to take another sip only to find the bottle was almost empty. Oh. 

He wouldn’t be missed. 

Not really. 

Alexander had his son.

Gilbert had John and Herc.

Who else did he have? 

He stood and after a moments deliberation he clambered over the railing. 

He was in freefall before it registered what he was doing. 

What he had done. 

When he hit the water he remembered his name.

Thomas.

Thomas was drowning. 

The waves covered his head and he forgot how to swim.

He fought the current. But in the end he knew it would be useless.

Thomas wanted his Alexander. He wanted to apologize. To beg for forgiveness.

But he was getting so tired. 

****************************************************************************

Alex was woken by the sound of the heart monitor speeding up. 

He pressed the emergency call button. He stops praying.

Instead he just holds on to Thomas' hand and softly kisses the knuckles. "I'm sorry baby. please come back to me... I don't know how to do this anymore without you"


	6. and i'm drowning in them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited

He could feel his heart slow as it struggles to pump blood around his body. It momentarily speeds again before it slows again. Then begins to speed up again. 

It hurts like hell. 

For a moment everything goes still. Everything goes quiet. The darkness comes closer and Thomas feels a sense of calm fill him. 

… and was that a scream? 

He looks around. The darkness has retreated but he is still alone. Drowning. The water closes in over his head.

He wants to scream but his vocal cords aren’t working.

The darkness starts to eb closer again. The little light there is forces its way into through the towering waves and storm filled skies. The sun. It gets brighter. 

It's warm against his skin. But it gets hotter. And Hotter. It's too hot.

He is being boiled alive.

Suddenly the water is gone. In its place fire. Pain. 

He’s on fire. He longs for the waves that have now disappeared. Water.

Where was the water? 

He was drowning in flames now. He keeps his eyes closed and hopes the pain is over soon enough. 

Then maybe he can die peacefully.

He longs for the return of the darkness.

Why could he not drown?

*********************************************************************************************

Alex is terrified. 

He died. Thomas died. 

His heart had stopped and Alex had screamed. The machines had flatlined and - 

The doctors. They had saved him. But now… 

Thomas has a raging fever that they are struggling to bring down. And he is still in that god-forsaken coma.

102.6°F

They had kicked him out of the room so know he sat against the wall of the corridor. He lets his head fall back and he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath trying to calm his nerves. He can feel the start of a panic attack rising like the crest of a wave. 

He hears Thomas’s voice in his head, from the nights where everything was too much and he couldn’t think let alone breath. “ _ Breath.” “I - I can’t - I -” “4-7-8 Alex. 4-7-8.”   _ He starts counting.

English: 

_ One. Two. Three. Four. _

_ One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. _

_ One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. _

Spanish: 

_ Uno. Dos. Tres. Cuatro. _

_ Uno. Dos. Tres. Cuatro. Cinco. Seis. Siete. _

_ Uno. Dos. Tres. Cuatro. Cinco. Seis. Siete. Ocho.  _

French:

_ Un. Deux. Trois. Quatre.  _

_ Un. Deux. Trois. Quatre. Cinq. Six. Sept. _

_ Un. Deux. Trois. Quatre. Cinq. Six. Sept. Huit. _

He hears someone sits down beside him. He doesn’t turn his head. 

Danish: __

_ En. To.Tre. Fire. _

_ En. To.Tre. Fire. Fem. Seks. Syv. _

_ En. To.Tre. Fire. Fem. Seks. Syv. Otte. _

“Mon ami… I need to talk to you”

He raises his head to look at Gilbert. The man looks a mess. His hair is half undone and he can see where his eyeliner has become smudged.

“I didn’t know… you have to understand… I would have told you before...” The man is babbling and Alex doesn’t understand what he’s meant to be hearing. “but I just - He was with me that night… I - I didn’t  _ know.  _ I wish I had stopped him, it's all my-”

“No” Alex’s voice is sharp. “If anyone is to blame it is me. We fought. I kicked him out.  _ I told him not to come back- _ .”  

Alex is cut off by the man pulling him in for a hug.

“Thomas wouldn’t want this. He is a very dear friend of mine you know. When I first moved here i stayed with him as he helped me improve my Englsih. We were like brothers at one point, until… well we drifted after Martha… he shut me out and I didn't try hard enough to stay with him... but i heard when he found peace he found the strength to move on...” Gilbert sent him a small smile and nudged him arm.

“Then you know how strong he is Gil. He is amazing and intelligent. And he is strong.”  Alex could feel another panic attack on the horizon and fights to keep his breathing steady. “You’ll see. They all will. Tommy will be okay. He’ll be okay. He’ll be fine” 

Gilbert just wrapped his arms around Alex and pulled him in for a hug.

A minute later he is sobbing into Gil’s shirt. “He has to be okay. He is Strong.” 

He repeated himself again “He will be okay” He feels a hot splash on the back of his neck and realises Gil is also crying.

“He  _ will _ be okay”

Alex wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. Himself or Gilbert.

**************************************************************************************************

The days passed. The little spark of hope he had gotten when Thomas had called for him... asked him to stay… well that was gone. The fever had lessened and once Alexander was allowed back into Thomas’s room he wouldn’t leave. The nurses had had a spare bed brought into the room after realising no amount of begging and threatening would get him to leave the room. Would convince him to leave Thomas.  

Jane came to him one day talking about flying in an expert from New York and he just nodded along not listening. It was only when a few days later a familiar voice drifted through the hallways, a voice Alexander hadn’t heard since… christmas? Thanksgiving? Was it last year? Or the year before? -  that he managed to drag himself from the room, from Thomas’s side, for the first time in a fortnight.

“Neddy?” His voice was horse and he knew he looked a mess, but looking at the man in front of him he felt a spark of joy he hadn’t felt in a long time. Since before Thomas had- 

He stuffed that thought down. Not now.

Ned was here. His friend. His half brother he had later found out. 

His childhood best friend who left to study medicine, and had graduated college and been accepted into different prestigious courses, met the girl of his dreams and settled down all while Alex had been floundering; head barely above the water. 

Ned rushes forward with a barely concealed gasp of surprise and scoops his little brother into a tight hug. “Alexander! What are you doing here? You look terrible what happened?” 

 Alex manages a weak smile. “I believe you’re here to take a look at my boyfriend…”

Ned’s face drops. “Alexander, I’m so sorry - I had no idea… last I heard you were caught up with Kitty Livingston and Benjamin Fr-”

“Ned!” Alex blushed lightly and thanked God that no one present knew Kitty or Benny, “That was told in complete secrecy Ned, and is a thing of the past… anyway are you coming to check on Tommy now? He hasn’t woken again… it’s been another two weeks Ned, please help him pl-”

“Alexander!” Ned had taken on a sharp tone of voice and Alex promptly stopped talking. 

“I see there is no distracting you.” he pulled off his jacket and slipped it around Alex’s shoulders. “Stay calm” He pulled his doctor's coat out of the bag by his feet and pulled it on  before turning back to Alex. “Is there anyway I can convince you to stay in the waiting area with your friends? It would be easier for me to work without you breathing down my neck.”

Alex chewed on his bottom lip glancing anxiously between his brother and the half open door beside him. “5 minutes Ned, then I’ll be back in”

“20” Ned countered

Alex narrowed his eyes. “10”

“15” Alex glanced at his phone. “Fine okay - but call me if you finish early or if anything happens. I want to be here. I need to be here…” Ned nodded in agreement and suddenly Jane was by his side.

“You, Mr. Hamilton are returning to your apartment for a shower and then you will eat some food or I swear to God, I’ll have Thomas kicking your ass in no time.”

Alex glanced back at the room as the door closed behind his brother, before following Jane down the corridor. 

15 minutes.

Everything would be fine. Thomas would be fine.

**********************************************************************************************

Half an hour later Alex was pacing the corridor again. A half eaten burger sat on a paper plate on a nearby table beside a cup of lukewarm coffee. Ned had yet to exit the room and as another nurse came rushing down the corridor holding bags of fluid and slipped around Alex - completely ignoring his questions - and entered the room, Alex wanted to scream.

“-don’t care Jane I need to know what’s happening. He has less than a minute before I barge in there and-”

“Please Alex” Jane pleads. “He is trying to save my brothers life, for once in your life just stop. Stop talking. Stop pacing. Stop stressing me out. Stop stressing the kids out. Just s-”

The door to the room opens again and Ned steps out. Alex halts his pacing and freezes. He can’t read his brothers face. It’s completely blank. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? 

Alex makes his way towards his brother before changing course halfway down the halway and makes to run to Thomas’s side. He half expected to feel a hand on his shoulder, see the shake of a head hear those words…

But nothing. Ned lets him pass and instead goes over to talk to Jane.

He pauses at the door, glancing back to where Thomas had sat down beside Jane. he wanted to hear what Ned said but… Thomas was alone. He couldn’t leave him alone. What if he woke up again only to find himself alone? 

No. that wouldn’t do at all. Jane would tell him later. Or when Lucy or Mary showed up he’d go find Ned.

He sunk down into the seat beside and picked up Thomas’s hand again before bringing it to his lips and kissing his knuckles. “Please Tommy… Please wake up”

*******************************************************************************************

It was strange he presumed. The numbness. It was different. He had gotten so used to the burning heat and the drowning he had forgotten what numbness felt like. 

Or had he been numb all this time? Numb to the pain? And this was… relief?

He hadn’t noticed it at first, too busy trying not to drown in the fire. But then at his fingertips the heat had disappeared. It had only been for a moment. The heat had disappeared and a flash of… something had flashed through his body. 

There was a voice. He couldn’t recognize it through the water, couldn’t differentiate between male or female. He tried to. He tried to push past the waves, to reach the surface. But the momentary numbness had disappeared and he was drowning again.

But his hand… it didn’t hurt. 

But the rest of his body burned.

*******************************************************************************************

He imagined it. He must of. Ned insisted his condition hadn’t changed at all but Alex knew he hadn’t imagined it. He wasn’t crazy.

Thomas had moved his fingers. 


	7. Randolph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the one Jefferson sibling that never really showed up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T/W Homophobic language
> 
> edited

Alex spent every waking morning next to Thomas talking softly and Ned was starting to get worried. In the week he had been down he hadn’t seen Alex eat unless Jane brought food into the room to him and shoved it in his hands. The kid was paranoid. Terrified to leave Thomas’s side - he had neglected the bed the nurses had brought in, opting to sleep instead in the seat by the bed.

Medically speaking the only thing wrong with Thomas - apart from the coma - was a fractured tibia and a few cracked ribs. The only reason Ned could see that he had fallen under again was shock and the onslaught of memories. Maybe. Him still on the edge of a coma surrounded people he knows he should recognise yet his family were strangers. 

And of course - Alex. He blamed himself. Ned could see it in the lines of his face and the bags under his eyes. He had resulted in dissolving sleeping tablets into a glass of water when giving it to Alex at night. The man wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t sleep… all he did was sit and talk to Thomas along with the odd word exchanged with his friends. He hadn’t seen him smile since his arrival.. 

Ned let a small smile creep over his face. He was glad that the kid had friends. Good friends too. As a child, Alex had never really gotten on with the neighbourhood kids growing up and had always been quick to fight and argue. And brash and impulsive and argumentative… 

And now he had a son.

He watched as Philip ran down the corridor (only pausing to give Ned a hug) and into the room clutching a piece of paper in one hand and his school bag in the other. His eyes drifted further down the corridor towards the waiting room where he saw Eliza make herself comfortable before she pulled out a file and started flicking through it. Eliza Schuyler…

She was an unusual one. While Philip hung out with Alex, she sat quietly by herself. The rest of the group seemed to shun her - not that she made any effort to converse with them. Ned had heard the story yet… looking at the woman flicking through files and make notes as she went, all he could see was a young girl who’s boyfriend had cheated on her while she was pregnant. Yet she had thrived. Despite her lies and manipulation she had raised an amazing child. His nephew. Not that he approved of the lies. It sickened him to think that a mother would really keep a child from his father… 

John Laurens though had moved on it seemed. Ned smiled again remembering the curly haired teen who had joined them for Christmas one year, all smiles, laughter and love. But now looking at him sitting to the left of a sleeping Gilbert he could see how much brighter he burned now. Hercules sat down beside John and handed him a mug of something. They spoke in whispers as to not wake their boyfriend.

And the Jefferson family… Ned frowned. Now that was a conundrum in on itself. For such a large group, he only sees Jane and Lucy around everyday and Peter and Mary alternating days. He had only seen Randolph the once. He wasn’t sure what to make of that. Was there an ongoing feud in the family? Or was it something else? 

As Mary left to sit with Alex and Thomas he made his way over to Jane who was typing away furiously away on her phone with a frown on her face. He had planned to order in food and needed the orders but he supposed it could wait a while longer if she was busy. 

A minute later her phone rang and Ned watched as she picked it up with a snarl and was suddenly glad he hadn’t said anything.

“The  _ answer  _ remains  **_no_ ** Peter. He can’t leave.” There was a moment of silence before... “Well tell him to take his  _ beliefs  _ and shove them up his arse for all I care. He should be here. Thomas is his brother-”

A moment of silence.

“He said  **_what_ ** ? Put him on the phone Peter. No i don’t care. Put him on the phone right now or I swear to - Randolph would you like to repeat what you just said to Peter?” Ned took a step back and headed towards his office. He’d talk to her later. 

Jane’s yells and cursing echoed down the corridor. “-wards thinking. Why are you so goddamn stubborn. What if he….” he turned the corner and let the words fade away. “THE FUCK RANDOLPH?”

He’d just ask Lucy to pick up whatever when she was on the way back.

*********************************************************************************

Thomas was still floating. The fire had disappeared and the waves had retreated. The darkness loomed overhead, ready to crush him at any moment. He opened his mouth to scream but no sound could be heard. 

He wanted… someone.

The name was gone again. Lost among the rest of his thoughts. Names and places came and went and he couldn’t hold onto anything for too long without the pain returning.

But the feeling was there. The feeling of love and trust. The feelings of hope and happiness.

A bright smile flashed across his mind, accompanied by violet eyes and….

The image was gone. Who had been thinking of? 

********************************************************************************

Alex opened his eyes and realised he had fallen asleep. He cursed himself before checking Thomas’s vitals. Mary and Jane were curled up on the spare bed watching the tv on low volume and Lucy stood at the door nodding at something Ned had said. 

He felt a twinge of anger,as hot as a white flame,  flash through him. Why were they even here? The family that had more or less abandoned Thomas until he was nearly dead. And Randolph… the flame grew brighter as he scanned the room. Again. He wasn’t here. He hadn’t been here since the first day, in fact Alex realises, Randolph never even entered the room. Never saw Thomas at all. 

Enough was enough.

Alex stood up suddenly and his chair fell to the floor with a clatter. “Alexander? Are you alright?” Ned. He wouldn’t understand. 

“I need… air. Jane can I borrow your car for a bit?” 

Jane looks up in surprise. It's the first time Alex has stepped out of the room in weeks and now he wants to leave the hospital?

“O-of course. Yeah… alright Alex. Just be careful okay?” she smiled at him softly and Alex bit his tongue. Now was not the time to make scathing remarks to the eldest Jefferson sibling. 

He had another sibling on his mind.

Jane threw him the keys which he caught easily enough in one hand. He slips past Ned and sees his eyes narrow in suspicion. He is halfway down the corridor before a hand on his shoulder stops him. “Alex, are you sure that you are ok? What happened? What caused this sudden need to leave the hospital? We’ve been trying to convince you for ages to even step out of the room for a breather. It's a struggle to get you into a bed at night, to leave Thomas’s side for a few hours for sleep of all things.” Damm his brother for being so observant. 

“Nothing. I’m fine Ned.” his brother raised his eyebrows disbelievingly. “I just need to go and… talk… with someone. I should be back in an hour or two” 

“Alexander. I swear if this is you going out to start a fight to let off steam-”

“Not starting. Finishing. He didn't come here, so i’ll go-”

“Alex!” Ned’s voice is sharp. “Please don’t tell me this is about Randolph.” 

When Alex doesn’t reply he shakes his head. “It’s a bad idea little brother. I can tell you right now that it’s not going to end well.”

Alex narrows his eyes at his brother. “Do you know something I don’t Edward?” 

“No.. well… not really… I have my suspicions…”

“Well we can confirm or deny them when I return.” Alex pulls his arm out of his brothers grasp. “See you later”

*************************************************************************************

Ned stares at the closed door for a good five minutes and prays he misinterpreted the phone call he heard earlier. 

He doesn’t think he can deal with the shit-storm that will follow. Between caring for his patient, helping around the hospital and trying to make sure his little brother didn’t starve himself he had his hands full.

*************************************************************************************

It was quiet. 

Then it wasn’t. 

It starts off as a low buzzing that he doesn’t notice at first. It slowly gets louder. Out of nowhere then the word pierces through everything. “Alex.” The rest of the sentence is drowned out, but Thomas doubts he would have heard it. Alex. His Alexander. Where was he? 

The water is gone and suddenly he’s standing on solid ground. It’s pitch black and he can’t see a foot in front of his face. The low buzzing sound is gone and the silence has returned. 

Slowly - so slowly he places one foot in front of the other. He only has one thought now. 

He has to find his Alexander.

***********************************************************************************************

When the bell goes off for the apartment Peter is surprised. Randolph doesn’t move from the place he has claimed on the couch so Peter rolls his eyes and makes his way to the door.

To be met with the furious face of Alexander. 

“Where. The. hell. Is. He?”

Peter wordlessly points to the couch and steps aside to let Alex into the apartment.

*********************************************************************************

He freezes as soon as he steps over the threshold. He shouldn’t be here. He can smell the dinner that Thomas should be cooking. He can hear his laugh. 

He catches a glimpse of the framed photos of the two of them.

The first had been taken by Madison: Alex swinging off of Thomas’s shoulders, both of them caught unaware; love and joy both clear in their eyes. The snow dusts their coats and Alex smiles remembering how Thomas had dropped him in surprise after the photo had been taken. 5 foot of snow had resulted in a weeks bed rest with unlimited coffee and hot chocolates made just right…. 

The second - both of them wrapped in pride flags. With the flags painted on their cheeks and laughs on their faces. It a selfie. A stupid awkward selfie that makes Alex’s heart ache.

Alex forces himself to look away from the photos and makes his way into the sitting room. He is immediately attacked by George. Loud purrs echo through the room as the cat winds himself around his legs. He picks him up. 

Better to be safer than sorry. Ultimately he doesn’t want this to end in a fist fight. 

“Randolph. What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

Okay so he probably could have started off easier but god dammit. “It's been weeks. You haven’t visited him once. He’s your bro-”

“Yeah- don’t bother finishing that sentence. I am here as a courtesy to Jane. Jane wanted us all here. I’d be fine staying back down in Virginia. She dragged us up here but she can’t force me to visit him.”

Confused Alex looked to Peter. “I-I don’t understand. Why would you not want to be here? Your family…”

“ _ He  _ is not  _ my  _  family. If i’m being honest I don’t know how the rest of my sibling can stand to be around him. Around  _ you _ . It’s disgusting”

Alex stiled. Was he insinuating what he thought he was…

“Randolph! How dare you-”

“Excuse me?” Alex cut off Peter. 

“You heard me  _ Hamilton _ . And you know what I meant. You’re not stupid, in fact you’re meant to be a genius…”

“Randolph - stop - “

“Thomas was a genius too - then  _ you _ came along and suddenly he’s here sucking cock, a gay fucking fairy, instead of building a family-”

“Randolph!”

Alex’s ears are buzzing and he can feel his anger surging and he must have squeezed George too tightly because he gets the claws into his arm. He lets his cat go.

“Randolph please stop this!” Peter begs. “Alex please don’t listen to him - our father was-”

“Now listen here you homophobic piece of shit.” Alex hisses. “I am going to give you a choice because I love Thomas very much. More than your tiny brain can comprehend. In fact I tend to marry your brother as soon as he is well. I’ve had the ring months and you have no idea-” Alex cuts himself off. “Thomas was married to Martha in case you’ve forgotten. He had children. He has gone through so much shit and has come out stronger for it. On top of that he is one of the bravest men I know. But back to the choice. You can pull your shit together and start acting like a decent human being and visit your brother who nearly  _ died.  _ Your brother who tried to  _ kill himself _ . Or you can take your homophobic ass out of  _ my _ apartment and find somewhere else to stay. I don’t care if that’s a hotel or on the side of the road. I let you stay here. In my home. The home i share with your brother because I didn’t want to leave his side, because I was terrified the moment I did he would die.” 

Alex isn’t sure when he started yelling. He only knows that this is too much and that every fear he has had over the last few weeks since Thomas first woke up are pouring out of him. “Or worse, he’d wake again and still not know who I am. That he still wouldn’t know his family, that he’d forget-”

“What do you mean again?” They had spoken in near unison and Alex glances between Peter and Randolph, both whom had frozen and were staring him down.

“And why wouldn’t he know us?” Randolph glared at him.

Alex suddenly realises that Jane never told them. They never knew that he had woken for a few hours only to slip back under again.

He had fucked up. 

Jane was going to murder him.


	8. Reconsiliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you mean I don't need more characters?  
> AKA: Ned's wife calls and Randolph has feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lets play spot the shameless musical theater / movie references :P  
> And we are back with another irregularly scheduled update from the author who has changed the plot line too many times to count and insists on adding new characters whenever she gets the chance
> 
> edited.

He tried to explain but honestly he's pretty sure he made it worse. The two of them gang up on him quickly demanding to know “what the fuck did you mean by that Hamilton” 

Escape was futile and he could feel his heart break all over again at the expressions of devastation and shock crossed their faces. Backed into a corner (literally thanks to Rudolph) he sank to the floor and told them everything. 

How Thomas had woken only to have no memory of any of them. How he had ran (only to receive a blow to the face courtesy of Rudolph. “You’re a fucking coward Hamilton”)

[ It was only due to three main facts that stopped him from leaping up and swinging back at him..

 

  1. He was backed up against the wall. If he tried to take a swing at Randolph, he could just as easily push him back. 
  2. He was outnumbered. If he did try to take a swing at Randolph he was under no impression that, even as pissed off as Peter was at his brother, he would without a doubt leap to his defence in the current situation.
  3. Randolph was right. He was a coward. He had left Thomas when he needed him the most. ]



 

He told them how he had returned and how Thomas had  _ begged  _ him to turn around. And he hadn’t.

Until he did. 

And then Thomas had seized. 

That his heart had stopped and they had lost him again.

He had died. 

“He died.” Alex barely was able to choke out. “I was holding him when his heart stopped. And there was nothing I could do but scream…”

He couldn’t breath. Al he could see was Thomas’ body going limp and all he can hear is the sound of the monitors flatlining. All he could feel was the grasp of hands on his shoulders dragging him out of the room.  How he throws up in a bin and sinks to the floor as Jane runs down the corridor, her face tear streaked. 

How she yelled at the doctors for information.

How they  _ finally  _ told her that he was stable. 

The relief.

But how he had sunk back down into a coma.

The panic.

How there was nothing they could do.

The anger. 

How Jane should call in any specialist she knows of. 

The glint of determination in her eyes and the smallest flame of hope that rises at the site of it.

The forced promise.

The promise he had broken. Twice. (Well once - only to the two of them…)

Jane is already going to murder him for laying all this extra trauma on Peter (he doesn’t even know if Randolph is listening anymore - he disappeared into the adjoining kitchenette shortly after punching Alex, to find some ice for his knuckles), so he might as well go out with a bang.

**************************************************************************************************

Peter has sunk to the floor beside him and currently has his arms wrapped arounf him, leaving Alex confused. Why is he providing comfort to him? It's  _ his _ fault. Everything that happened to Thomas is his fault - he tries to tell Peter this but he just smiles at him sadly, through red rimmed eyes. “Nay Alex. The blame doesn’t lie with you. Couples fight and say things they don’t mean. But T. was depressed. He had anxiety after what happened to Martha and his girls, couldn’t last a day without popping pills. He changed after he met you. He hadn’t bought any new medication in over a year. Something just triggered him and...” Peter pulled him in for a hug. “We’ll be okay Alexander. Thomas will be fine. Everything will be fine…”

But Randolph… now sitting back on the couch had been staring at his phone for the last ten minutes hadn’t said anything. Alex glanced between the two brother and tried to nudge Peter towards his brother. He inclined his head towards him and raised an eyebrow in question. Peter just glanced at his brother and shook his head with a sad grimse.  He mouths ‘Don’t bother’ before Alexander is ignoring him, untangling himself from Peter and wandering over to his couch.

He sits beside Randolph who tries to ignore him. But Alex is nothing if not persistent and so proceeds to crane his neck to get a better view of the phone. 

Pictures. 

Pictures of Thomas and his siblings when they were growing up; selfies, photos of polaroids, sneaky photos taken without the knowledge of the other.

And they were happy. 

And younger. 

As Randolph scrolls the pictures changing from childhood to early teens. A few from Thomas’s wedding pass by. A glimpse of a regal looking girl, heavily pregnant. A few of a family of four in the distance. A single picture of a gravestone. Until….

Until Thomas is no longer present in them. The pictures become more and more staged. Family photos on a yacht, everyone lined up; no Thomas.

A birthday party - Lucy and Mary in matching dresses - their sibling crowded around them, their Father standing behind them; no Thomas.

A christening. Lots of people dressed up, and…  _ Jane _ holding a small child, a man with his arm around her waist;  _  no Thomas. _

Randolph stops scrolling.  “He wouldn’t let us tell him. Forbid it. Said that no ‘Fag’ would corrupt his grandson. That Thomas wasn’t a member of the family… that if we contacted him… he’d... he’d cut us out of his will.” Randolph finally met Alex’s eyes.tear filled and red rimmed.

“I do love him - of course I love him… he’s my little brother… I’ve looked after him my whole life… but it was easier to pretend that I hated him. That if I distanced myself it wouldn’t hurt as much… I can’t see him like that Alex. I can’t walk into that room and see him lying there… knowing he might die…knowing I failed him” 

Peter sat down on the arm chair and pulled his older brother in for a hug. “There was nothing we could do Randy. Not while  _ he _ was around.” 

And Randolph wept. 

Alex got off of the chair and silently collected his coat and bag. 

He leaves the apartment feeling better than he has in days. A sense of calm fills him as he returns to the hospital. Maybe… just maybe… when Tommy wakes up, their family can start to heal. 

*********************************************************************************************

By the time he slinks back into the hospital take out is being shared in the room. He quickly reclaims the vacant spot by Thomas’ bed and accepts the plate of Thai from Mary. Lucy has a pair of headphones connected to her laptop and the occasional laugh escapes her mouth before she covers her mouth and blushes. Ned is on his mobile and it's only when he holds the phone out to Alex and a confused Alex answers with a mouth full of food that he finds out whos on the other end.

“‘Ello?” 

“Alexander, I see your manners haven’t improved since the wedding?”

He quickly swallows as a grin spreads across his face. “Nice to hear your voice Ellie, how have my favourite nieces and nephews been?”

He sees Ned out of the corner of his eye try (and fail) to hide a grin. He sticks his tongue out at him and turns his attention back to the call. “ - as usual. They want to come up to visit you soon and Charlie says he can’t wait for Thomas to teach him how to play some card game they spoke about. How is he by the way? And you - I hope you’re getting enough rest!”

“There’s been no change in the last while… and me? Ah you know me… on a good night I get 5 hours… and hospital chairs aren’t that comfy…

There’s a moment of silence before: “you mean to tell me that the hospital hasn’t even bothered providing you with a bed? Just you wait Alex, your favourite older sister will lawyer up so fast-”

“NO! Eleanor, no.They did… I just feel better being closer… if anything happens to him…” 

“He’ll be okay Alex.” her voice is softer now. “Trust me. I’ve heard coma patients can sometimes hear what’s being said around them, so talk to him darling. Remind him he’s not alone.” Alex feels the tears pool in his eyes and tightens his grip on Thomas’ hand. “Now give me my husband back. I have to berate him about his lacking in fatherly duties. He hasn’t called in over a week and the kids will want to talk to him once the sitter drops them home.” 

“Bye Ellie” 

“See ya ‘round kid. Stay safe.” 

He holds out the phone to Ned. “Feel better?” Alex smiles and nods before turning back to Thomas and pressing a kiss to his forehead. He then wraps both his hands around one of Thomas’s and presses a kiss to his knuckles. “Wake up Tommy.  Do you hear me? You need to wake up.”

There’s a commotion outside getting louder. Alex tries to tune it out, speaking softly to Thomas hoping there was a glimmer of truth to what Eleanor had said. 

The voices get louder and Alex is contemplating getting up just to yell at them to be quiet when the door bursts open. 

Standing there is Randolph. Mary drops her fork and Lucy nearly falls off the bed. They look at each other in surprise and turn to look at Alex who just shrugs his shoulders. Peter trails in after him, followed by a frowning Jane. Randolph ignores his siblings and just walks slowly towards Thomas’s bed. He sinks to the floor beside Thomas, and Alex who  is sitting on the chair beside him sees the tears as he grabs Thomas’s other hand. 

“I’m so sorry Tommy. I’m so so sorry...” Alex barely hears him, sitting as close as he is and it's only when a hand on his shoulder appears and squeezes does he look up to see Jane. she nods towards the door and leaves. Alex stands to follow her, offering his chair to Randolph and walks out to join Jane in the corridor.


	9. realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited

Alex tensed and readied himself for the inevitable fallout. He had messed up. The one thing Jane had asked of him. The _one_ _measly_ thing - “don’t let them know he woke up”-  and he had gone and blurted it out. He had ruined Thomas; and now he had ruined both Randolph and Peter, and now it was only a matter of time before the girls found out and then everything would-

Jane pulled him in for a hug. 

Alex froze. He hadn’t even realised he’d been trembling until he could no longer physically move. “It’s okay Alex. I’ve got you. You’re okay.”

He felt the tears slide down his cheeks and suddenly he couldn’t hold them back any longer. He let out a strangled sob and buried his face into Jane’s neck and cried. 

How long had it been since he cried? Really cried? A few tears had slipped out during his talk with Gil and he cried after Thomas had sunk under again. But the gut wrenching sobs that heaved through his body now? He couldn’t even remember if he cried this hard after he had received the first phone call. He felt like he was going to be sick. He tried to pull away but Jane just held him tighter. He finally collapsed against her and they both sank to the ground clutching onto each other like each was the only hope for the others survival. 

***************************************************************************************

Ned watched from his office as his brother cried himself into a state of unconsciousness before approaching the pair and lifting him up and carrying him to the spare bed in Thomas’ room. He was light - too light. He hadn’t been eating enough and he was far too skinny. If he didn’t know any better, just by looking at him, Ned would have thought Alex was the one on death’s door. 

He sighs and rubs the palms of his hands into his eyes. How can he tell his brother the truth? That even at best  _ if _ Thomas woke up he wouldn’t  be anywhere near the same man Alex had known. He presses his lips to his brothers forehead and brushes his hair out of his face. He sometimes forgot how young Alex actually was. When he had been 25 his biggest worry had been financing his nights out along with paying the rent for his apartment. And here his brother was, spending everyday watching over the man he loved. And Thomas, now 27, fighting for his life just after getting it all together after having lost it at the young age of 23… the two men - boys really - had been through so much shit and then all of this on top of it….

He returns to the hallway to find Jane had stayed where she was, fingers twitching like she had wanted to keep Alex with her, to keep him safe. He helped her up and navigated her into his office and made her a cup of tea. They sat in silence for the rest of the night.

Praying.

*******************************************************************************************

While Alexander slept, Randolph kept watch over his baby brother. Peter and the girls dozed and Jane had yet to return. How could he have been so foolish? Had his father’s hatred ad prejudices really passed on to him so deeply that he had stayed away while his brother…

He looked so much smaller. Thinner. He watched how a team of nurses would massage him brothers arms and feet to keep the circulation going and tried to ignore the pitying glances shot their way. 

His eyes drifted to where Alexander lay. He had nearly jumped out of his skin after the first wail had wafted down the corridor. The sobs had continued and all of the siblings had huddled near Thomas and silently cried. Then the doctor - Alex’s brother, Lucy had prompted - had carried him in and tucked him up. The man watched as the doctor wiped away his own tears, pressd a kiss to Alex’s head and nearly fled the room. 

That had been nearly 40 hours ago and Alex showed no signs of waking up. Mary had figured Alex had been lying to them about sleeping and probably hadn’t slept in days. 

He realized with a start just how young they both were. Alex was definitely younger than Tommy’s 27 years. There was a knock on the door and Peter drifted over to open it. A child ran over to the chair where Randolph was sitting. “Who are you. Where’s my daddy?”

Randolph just stared at the child wondering if he meant who he thought who he thought he meant or….

Luckily Mary stepped in, crouched down beside the small child and pointed at the spare bed. “Your daddy is just sleeping Philip. He was very tired, looking after Thomas. This is Randolph. He is our oldest sibling.”

The child’s eyes narrowed and there was not a doubt in his mind whose child it was. That glare was identical. “Your the one who wouldn’t come visit Tommy. My daddy says you’re mean”

Randolph smiled softly. “It's okay. We sorted it out. And i’m here now am I not?”

Philip’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked between where Thomas lay and Randolph sat beside him. “I- I suppose….” Then to his surprise the kid climbed on to the bed and sat at Thomas’s feet before pulling out a sketch book and starting to draw.

*********************************************************************************

Thomas was hearing voices again. He looked up from where he was sitting under an oak tree and softly closed his book. 

It was a quiet day, the sun was shining and summer had arrived. Alex stirred in his lap but didn’t awaken. Thomas smiled and brushed back a lock of his hair. Then the voices again. 

He glanced around the garden but there was nobody there. He looked back down at Alex to find him gone. “Alex?”

The voices got a bit louder and the sun disappeared behind a cloud. He heard Alex’s scream and jumped to him feet. “ALEX?” He spun around. Where was he, where was Alex? Where was he,  _ where was he?  _

He stopped. The tree was gone and he was looking out over a raging black ocean.  _ Where was he? _ The crying got louder. Multiple voices layered up. The wind got stronger and Thomas placed his hands over his ears and fell to his knees. He couldn’t hear himself think. He needed to think. Where was Alex? Everything had been fine… they were reading under the tree and Alex had fallen asleep beside him. He had shifted Alex’s head to his knees and Alex had curled up beside them like a cat. 

Like George. 

He frowned. Who was George again?

The rain started falling and He wanted to scream. He opened his mouth. 

Nothing came out.  

He wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. But no. 

He had to find Alex. 

He shakily got to his feet and started walking.

*************************************************************************************

 Alex woke up to a relatively quiet. The machines were beeping and two people were whispering in the darkened room. He could make out the silhouettes of two figures hunched over Thomas’ bed and….

And one was Philip. 

“Philip?”

His son’s head shot up and he could make out the grin that crossed his face. 

“Daddy! I was talking to Randolph and he was telling me loads of stories about Tommy and-”

Alex’s eyes flickered to Randolph who was pointedly avoiding looking at him. 

He waited till his son stopped to take a breath. “Philip, have you eaten today? How long have you been here?”

Philiip shrugged, then went back to his colouring book.

“He arrived Friday evening - it's Sunday - and he has refused to leave and Eliza has been bringing in food for us.”  Mary prompted.

Sitting up too quickly, Alex felt a wave of dizziness sweep through him. 

“Woah there, Alex - you have been out cold for like two days - slow down!”

“Has anything-”

“No changes.”

Alex slumped back against the headboard and closed his eyes. 

There is a squeak of bed springs and Alex opens his eyes to see Philip climbing off Thomas’s bed. He pads across the floor and pulls himself up beside Alex before snuggling into his side. “Missed you daddy” 

Within minutes Philip is snoring softly and Alex smiles softly before kissing his forehead softly and looking across the room to where Thomas still lay. 

He squeezed his eyes shut and for a terrifying second he couldn’t remember what Thomas’ smile looked liked. 

He would wake up. 

Everything would be fine.

They would be fine. 

Everything would be just like before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone is interested i uploaded my "les mis" fic 'Run'  
> Its mainly based around Jehan and Montparnasse but with background Enjoltaire - it is set during the 5th/6th of June and very angsty {MCD} -  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18510169


	10. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a short chapter but it also took me a while to write.... :)

Everything was not going to be okay. 

 

Days turned into weeks and the doctor once brought up taking Thomas off life support and it took the combined strength of Ned and Peter holding back Randolph and Alex having Philip in his arms and Mary with a grip on his shoulder for there to be no violence. 

 

It wasn’t brought up again.

 

There was one point where Alex swore Thomas was waking up. His hand had twitched and -

 

Nothing. 

 

The doctors said it was muscle spasms.

 

The days continued to pass

 

****************************************

 

He couldn’t remember his name.

 

It had slipped out of reach and refused to come back. It was floating just out of reach and-

 

There were voices. 

 

He could hear people talking. Sometimes there was yelling and other times near silent cries.

 

Still he walked. 

 

There were locked doors everywhere he looked. 

 

He knew he was close.

 

He just had to find Alex.

 

**********************************

 

Philip comes running in dressed as superman. He chatters on about halloween and the movie he was going to watch with Theo and the sweets they would eat… Alx just smiles and nods along. 

 

It's been months since he has seen Thomas’s smile and he misses him so much. 

 

He just wants Thomas back.

 

**************************

 

He finally reaches a door that is open. He pushes it and the door swings to reveal an apartment. It's quiet but the sun streams through the windows. 

 

He closes his eyes and breaths deep. He can smell chicken cooking in the oven and a hint of lavender from the flower pot by the door.

 

A door creaks further in the apartment and he opens his eyes. 

 

There. 

 

Alex.

 

*************************

 

November 12th. November 13th. November 14th. 

 

Ned’s wife arrives down for a few days with their kids. 

 

Alex introduces them to Philip and they get along like a house  on fire.

 

There are tears when they leave but usernames and numbers are shared.

 

The days pass.  

 

Life returns to normal

 

Nothing changes.

*****************************

 

He  tries to call out but his voice isn’t working. He takes a step forward and Alex’s facelights up in a grin. “Thomas!”

 

He takes another step forward-

 

And the ground falls from beneath his feet. 

 

He is falling.

 

Falling.

 

Falling. 

 

**********************

 

November 28th. 

 

The heart rate monitor speeds up and Alex is off his spare bed in a flash.

 

“Thomas? Thomas?”

 

The door bursts open and Ned followed by two doctors race into the room.  

 

Alex is pushed back and Janes grabs him by the shoulders. 

 

They barely hope to dream.

 

Randolph and Peter enter the room followed by the twins.

 

Nobody speaks.

 

************************

 

He is falling yet he is rising.

 

He sees a spot of light that grows bigger and brighter the closer he gets.

 

Then…

 

Thomas.

 

His name.

 

His name is Thomas.

 

And everything comes rushing back all at once.

 

*******************

 

Thomas jerks and his eyes open.

 

The doctors take a step back and Alex takes a step forward.

 

“Alex?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY


End file.
